the most important person who was meant to see me grow

My mother passed last year on Jan 21st due to stage 4 brain cancer , I was 16 at the time. I feel awful for not spending more time with her while we could, I didn’t think the sickness would result in her passing. She was the strongest woman I ever knew and fought so hard until her last breath.

The coldness of her body on the morning of her death will never leave my brain, it’s like my fingertips can feel the cold skin while picturing her. I honestly don’t know what to do going forward, even though it has been over a year now. My brain still hasn’t processed fully that she’s dead and I keep needing to remind myself that.

I find myself going back to our messages and rereading the funny things she would send me, and deep down I really should’ve put more effort in. I took it for granted and it’ll be my biggest regret in life.

I’ve become so numb to everything that I’m not scared of anything happening to me, since my biggest fear already happened. I don’t have any friends that can relate with me , apart from my older sister that’s been coping with the grief better than I have.

I feel emotionless and alone very often, even in loud and busy places. I dont feel the need to do anything important anymore and have no sense of urgency. The past 4 years have all been a blur and I cannot remember anything before that , which is really scary. Grief memory loss is no joke and is terrifying me a lot.

I picture my mother as the woman she used to be before cancer took over, and I think that’s the only way my brain can see her. I hope to get her handwriting tattooed on me one day. I love you always Mama

- Anonymous